CONFESSION…
YES, I struggled too!
I have always been a people pleaser doing what my conservative parents expected…
And yes I was a success in corporate, but on the inside I was without a healthy relationship, had no real abundance to speak of, even though I was well paid, and it felt like all my resources, my energy, my attention was outward focused to give me a sense of belonging and acceptance.
And if I am honest, it’s like on some level it felt almost like I needed permission to even breath fully into my tight and stressed body.
You can imagine what I was like with intimacy – all wound up, sabotaging great relationships, and not even knowing who I actually was.
And then there was a shift…
I went into rebellion and lost myself in the opposite direction giving away my power in a new way by having no boundaries and letting stronger more seductive personalities lead me away from me – and my centre.
What happened next …
8 years and many long hard nights worrying about my child, my safety and my sanity, married to a partner who had habits which were destructive for all at the time…
I remember curled up on the bathroom floor, sobbing… it seemed never ending for a year or two, thinking about me, my son, our future.
I just had no idea how I could get out of the situation, how I could free myself, and essentially everyone, from the dynamic that was a nightmare.
I felt so lost and started living out of integrity with my values, which I justified in every way possible.
I could see my partner’s heart.
He was (and is) a good person. I could see his pain…
But unfortunately that is the code in which good people get stuck, because their default it to let go of their freedom, if they see someone else in pain…
So I had to fight for my freedom…
And it was a fight I did for me, without needing anyone else to give me permission or needing anyone to make that choice for me, to have abundance and freedom exactly as I was …
Long story short, that relationship ended and so did the pain, the scarcity and the concern, and I am proud to say there is mostly harmony, understanding and respect in that relationship as we co-parent from a distance.